Don't Mention It

Tonight I had to go to a scholarship recognition dinner.  When I arrived and looked at the program, I saw that each scholarship recipient would be called by name and asked to come to the front of the room for recognition.

Wait.  Say what?

I know.  At this point you're wondering what I thought would happen at a recognition dinner if not recognition.  I thought, you know, that maybe I would sit at a table and chat politely with faculty and scholarship donors.  That's no problem.  But walking to the front of the room while everyone claps? 

I was in instant anxiety zone.  Seriously.  Looking at the exits.  Wondering if it would be believable that I had to go to the bathroom right this very minute.  Weighing the pros and cons.  Would it embarrass my husband if I left?  Would it embarrass the college president?  Would my friends who attended wonder what happened to me?

So I went up there.  Smiled.  Nodded.  Took a picture with the group.

I don't know why this bothers me so much.

You know, one time I was at a different scholarship recognition night, a long time ago, and the presenter asked the crowd to give me a STANDING OVATION while I walked to the stage and grabbed my medal.  A standing ovation?  Really?  I was pissed.  Seriously on fire pissed off.

You're thinking, "Tamra, this isn't a big deal."  I know it shouldn't be!  But it is for me.  I really, really dislike recognition.  Particularly of the stand up and walk across the stage, smile and grab your award while everyone claps for you variety.

I don't know where these feelings come from.  I can't put into words what it is about these events that influences me so.  It's something about a lot of things, I guess.  The recognition isn't personal.  It's for show.  It's not on my terms.  I get lumped with a group with whom I share nothing other than that we all recieved some amount of money from some group and we all attend Cincinnati State.  And then people who don't know me are clapping for ME.  No, that's not right.  None of this is right.

...

Clearly I have issues.

Election Confession

Yesterday I dutifully went to the polls, filled out my ballot, and turned it in.  A nice older woman thanked me for voting as she offered me a sticker.  I said, "Yeah.  Whatever."  This year no one should thank me for voting.

Rob and I moved to Ohio in the summer of 2004, just in time to vote in an election where our voice actually mattered.  Before then we'd lived in Utah, which is crimson on the policitcal spectrum.  No need to bother voting there.  So when we moved to Ohio we were excited, optimistic, and eager to learn about the candidates and issues and then go vote responsibly.  I quickly decided that being informed was difficult, but well worth it.  I promised myself that I would always care deeply and vote consciously.

That resolve was doomed to fail.  I should have known that about myself.  I should have seen the truth well before I made the personal promise. 

The 2012 election season killed my political insides.  Not only am I older and more skeptical, not only have I always been politically disillusioned, but I also live in Ohio, which was the Swingiest State of All this time.  The state that got all the attention. 

You guys who live in Blue or Red states, you don't know how lucky you have it. 

I didn't want to vote.  I probably wouldn't have even gone in if my local school district didn't have a levy on the ballot.  But they did, and no matter how I feel about politics, I care about that.  So I went.  I thought about voting for only that issue and none of the others.  I thought about voting for President, then the school levy, and none of the others.  But I couldn't do it.  I had to vote for them all.

This was my first time voting Angry.  It's when you go like this:  "Two guys on the ballot.  I've heard this guy's name more.  I'm voting for the other guy.  Next, three guys on the ballot.  That one sent me so much nasty junk mail.  That other one had a sign when I walked in.  I'm voting for the third guy, the one I've never heard of."

I voted straight Other Guy.

The issues weren't any better.  I voted, "Hell, no, you can't have my money.  What are you going to do with it anyway?  Leave me alone!" The only exception was that school levy.

I'm not proud of the way I voted.  I'm just saying that's how it went. 

Before 2016 I'm moving to another state.  Red or Blue, I don't care which.  Just some place where my vote doesn't matter.