What is Unconditional Love? (The Weight Issue, Revisited)

I read this blog post and it reminded me that I have a little to say about the Weight Issue that I brought up a while back.  You're probably all sick of hearing about it, but that's the beauty of a blog:  You can just skip this post!

If Rob had only been 275 lbs. and still ROB, then there would be no Weight Issue.  But the fact is that it ruled his life and was destroying him.  I didn't decide that.  He did.  Maybe I'll have him write about it some time.  Because it's an important story.  But here's how it happened, in my words.

Rob had a rock bottom moment.  He's told me that it happened while driving in our Toyota Corolla.  He was sitting in it and he thought, "I fill up the entire side of this car."  He knew something needed to change.

It should be noted that at this point I'm not sure where I was, mentally.  For a long time as Rob was gaining weight, I didn't think there was a problem.  I certainly didn't say anything about it.  I would say things like, "You look fine," and "What are you talking about?" and "I still love you."  But as he got bigger, I started believing that Rob was going to keep gaining and gaining and he probably wouldn't change.  Rob would tell me he wanted to change, but he didn't feel it.  He needed that rock bottom moment.

The great thing about rock bottom moments is that it propels you forward.  Rob read Dr. Phil's book The Ultimate Weight Solution and realized that he needed to change his relationship with food.  And, to his credit and our happiness, he started to do it!

I needed Dr. Phil's book, too.  I read it and realized I was part of Rob's problem!  I kept food in the house that tempted him.  I was pretty lax about it all.  I was creating an environment where it was hard for him to succeed.  I would sit down with my ice cream and give him dirty looks when he wanted a bowl, too.  My rationale was, "I can handle the food.  I have healthy boundaries.  It's not my fault that you don't."

Rob succeeded and succeeded.  We both changed for the better.  And I started learning what Support is and what Support is not.

Support is:
- Participating with him.  I wasn't trying to lose weight, but I needed to be healthier, too.  I exercised (though less than he did).  I ate better.  I cooked less food.  A lot of that we're still keeping up.
- Realizing that when health is the goal instead of "a good body" or "weight loss", Rob and I are on the same plane.
- Waking up to go running with him.

Support is NOT:
- Constantly nagging him about it.
- Eating what I want because "I can handle it."
- Looking the other way.
- Telling him "I don't care how much you weigh.  I love you."

Something inside me snapped when Rob hit rock bottom and promised to change.  He promised a lifestyle change.  He saw the light.  He changed his relationship with food and with himself.  And I latched onto that moment.  "HE PROMISED TO CHANGE.  WE NEVER HAVE TO GO BACK THERE AGAIN."

...  Put yourself in my shoes.  I watched someone I love being sick and unhappy for years.  Then I got that person back, all healthy and spit shined.  Imagine what a good moment that was.

Then imagine that it was slipping away again.  I was seeing patterns re-emerging that hinted that it was all coming back.  The same old lies.  The same patterns.  The person was sort of shrugging their shoulders and heading down the same destructive path.

Does Unconditional Love demand that I say, "It's okay.  Just let it take you away again"?  NO!  It demands that I scream at them, "RUN AWAY!  RUN AWAY!  DON'T DO IT!  DON'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING?  RUN AWAY!!!"

THAT is why this Weight Issue is a Marriage Deal Breaker.  It has nothing to do with the weight and everything to do with the promises.  The trust.  The enlightened moment that we can't deny.  The damaged life that we can't go back to.

And that's my story.  No apologies offered.

Weighty Matters

I've run through this post a few times in my head, trying to figure out if I could make it clean enough to post.  And I think I can, so here we go.  (That said, this still may be on the TMI side for some / most of you.  Fair warning.)

Oh, and the pictures are just a progression:  From late 2000 and on through the years.

October 2000 - my parents' first visual of Rob

When I married Rob, he was a gorgeous muscly trim 205 lbs.  And I did not hesitate to say to anyone and everyone that I thought Rob was hot.  Not just good looking, but hot.  As in turns me on to look at him sitting across the room from me.

Our wedding day, December 21, 2000

Within 3 years he weighed 275.  Needless to say, he was no longer a gorgeous muscly trim man.  This wasn't awful, as the weight was increasing, but near the end, it was a problem for me psychologically.  Why would Rob do that to himself?  Why would I want to be married to a man who would do that to himself?  And, as a relevant side issue, he was no longer attractive to me.  Yes, I still liked his face.  His eyes.  And he was still a wonderful, nice, compassionate man.  But he wasn't hot.  It pained me to tell him that it had gone a step beyond not-hot .  He was now ugly and gross to me.  That's harsh to say.

July 2002

December 2002

Shortly after that he had a rock bottom moment and has since been losing or maintaining weight.  There are some months of maintaining / slowly gaining, but for the most part, it's been a positive, good experience for him and for me.

Here's the deal with his weight, and I think it's important to bring this up.  Rob at 275 was not Rob.  He was Overweight Rob.  He was obsessed with food, talked about food constantly, made fun of his weight, was ashamed of himself, and was completely underconfident.  I looked at him more than once and said, "I'm not going to give you the "You're an okay person" pep talk today!  Yes, you should lose weight.  If you want to do it, just do it.  I love you.  I'm done with this."

December 2003 - I made it big so you can actually see us.

Dealing with all this crap was time-consuming and draining.  So much of our marriage was spent on Rob's food addiction and subsequent weight problem.  I HATED it.  Rob hated it, too.  I blamed him.  I thought he was weak.  I hated him for the problem.  I thought he was selfish and robbing himself, me, and our children of a good, happy, and healthy life.

August 2004

He started losing weight and I was excited for him!  Around 240 lbs. he started looking AMAZINGLY better.  At 215 lbs. he again was looking that much better.  And then he hit 205 lbs. and, though he had a gut that he didn't when we were first married, he was once again hot.  I spent months saying things like, "I like seeing your face," "I like touching your back," "I like how you look in your jeans," and other things that I won't repeat since I'm trying to keep this on the clean side.

June 2005 - Rob at his lab

Well, after he got to 205 lbs. he lost motivation and slowly started gaining weight back.  I became disheartened.  Rob had convinced me this was a lifestyle change, but here he was telling me the same old lies.  "I'm not eating that much."  That was bull, and I knew it.  Deep down he knew it, too, but his psychology regarding food is messed up, so I don't know if he Knew it or not.

July 2006 - Tank's first day home from the hospital.

At that point I informed Rob that if he regained his weight, I would consider it a Breech of Trust, and I didn't know if our marriage would survive it.  I know that sounds terribly mean, but I wasn't going back there.  I don't LIKE Overweight Rob, and neither does he.  I gave him a specific weight that would be The Deal Breaker, and kept on being angry. 

May 2007 - Miami beach

Last year my anger got the best of me and I laid into my sweet, adorable husband.  He listened politely as I tore into him with gusto.  I told him he lied to me.  I told him that his losing weight had been a tease.  He showed me that hot, confident, amazing Rob was attainable.  He gave me that Rob for a short while and then took him away again.  And this Ticked Me Off.  Suddenly his 220 lbs. was awful to me, and I hated him for it.

Christmas Eve 2008

There is so much anger for me about this subject.  Rob has spent years trying to figure out why his food psychology is so messed up, and I've spent years shaking my head and going, "What is WRONG with you?"  We're past that now, for the most part, but that's probably only because Rob's weight is down and his eating is under control-ish.  If he were to stop paying attention and gain some weight back, we'd be back to angry Tamra who can barely even talk about the subject without shooting daggers out of her eyes.

October 16, 2009 - Miciah's 8th birthday

Now Rob is hot again and things are good.  I LOVE loving his body.  He loves it, too.  This element of marriage is fun and nice, and I've missed it.  It's not a manipulation thing, and I'm not trying to "reward" him for good behavior, but I touch his body more, in sexy and non-sexy ways.  I look at him while he's walking across a room.  I just like his body more, period. 

October 2010

We don't talk about that aspect of marriage much.  We don't talk about that aspect of weight gain much.  But it's there, and it's huge.

I guess my whole point about this is that Rob's weight struggles have been an interesting ride for the both of us.  We've learned a lot about ourselves and each other, about our habits and our families, and about our marriage.  Most of it has been a painful process for me, so I would love to drive the last nail into this coffin.  Food addiction would never have to be talked about again!  But I think it's with us for life.  And I'm okay with that.

November 2011

But PLEASE give me a hot Rob.