Tonight I had to go to a scholarship recognition dinner. When I arrived and looked at the program, I saw that each scholarship recipient would be called by name and asked to come to the front of the room for recognition.
Wait. Say what?
I know. At this point you're wondering what I thought would happen at a recognition dinner if not recognition. I thought, you know, that maybe I would sit at a table and chat politely with faculty and scholarship donors. That's no problem. But walking to the front of the room while everyone claps?
I was in instant anxiety zone. Seriously. Looking at the exits. Wondering if it would be believable that I had to go to the bathroom right this very minute. Weighing the pros and cons. Would it embarrass my husband if I left? Would it embarrass the college president? Would my friends who attended wonder what happened to me?
So I went up there. Smiled. Nodded. Took a picture with the group.
I don't know why this bothers me so much.
You know, one time I was at a different scholarship recognition night, a long time ago, and the presenter asked the crowd to give me a STANDING OVATION while I walked to the stage and grabbed my medal. A standing ovation? Really? I was pissed. Seriously on fire pissed off.
You're thinking, "Tamra, this isn't a big deal." I know it shouldn't be! But it is for me. I really, really dislike recognition. Particularly of the stand up and walk across the stage, smile and grab your award while everyone claps for you variety.
I don't know where these feelings come from. I can't put into words what it is about these events that influences me so. It's something about a lot of things, I guess. The recognition isn't personal. It's for show. It's not on my terms. I get lumped with a group with whom I share nothing other than that we all recieved some amount of money from some group and we all attend Cincinnati State. And then people who don't know me are clapping for ME. No, that's not right. None of this is right.
...
Clearly I have issues.
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