Apparently I have no idea what would make someone squeamish and what wouldn't.
I didn't finish Adolf Hitler. The man is fascinating to me. The history is fascinating to me. And getting into the history of Germany that made it possible for a Hitler to rise to power ... wow. But the more I tried to get into Hitler's head, into what made Hitler tick, what the whole thing meant to him PERSONALLY, the less it really made any sense.
I sat down with Rob last night and started asking him questions about it all. Not "did you know" type stuff, but, "how do you suppose..." type stuff. Rob finds Hitler revolting. This is obvious the minute you start talking about it. He didn't quite find my reading a Hitler book pointless, but it's obvious that if he were to write a book about Hitler it would be about 2 pages and it would mostly consist of the phrase: "Hitler is Satan spawn." Rob says even thinking about the man makes him nearly physically ill. I had to insist, "But you can seperate him from the evil things he did, right?" Rob would just shake his head.
In reality? No. No, you can't sepearte Hitler from the fact that he is responsible for the death of so many. It's hard to take, really. I mean, if I were as bad as I could be in this life--if I did terrible, horrible things that were unforgivable--I STILL wouldn't be responsible for the sheer magnitude of things that Hitler has to his name. Even if I dreamed in my head such horrific things for my fellow man, I simply don't have the power to bring those things about. Imagine! Imagine what sort of special Hell is reserved for a man responsible for so much evil. It's mind-twisting.
And yet the man wasn't born evil, was he? He had some sort of conscience, surely. Not that I saw any evidence of that, from what I read. He dropped friends when they were no longer useful. He lied to serve his purposes. He deliberately aroused feelings of hate, distrust, and anger. And for what? To get power. And for why? So he could kill off 6 million Jews.
Somewhere along that path there is a HUGE disconnect for me. I get that he wanted power. I get that he hated Jews. But COME ON.
... People who gain power, who become obsessed with power. They kill other people. Masses of them. Why should this be, and does it HAVE to be? Can you seperate the two? Why can't you just seek for power and want normal things--a family, a good job, a life of ease for yourself and those you love? Because normal things seem too insignificant after a while?
I didn't start reading the book so that I could excuse Hitler of the evil things he did. But to understand a little about how this could have happened. So much evil. So much hatred. And the people were so TAKEN by this man. He had them in his palm and he brought about such horrific things. Imagine the good he could have brought about, if he'd wanted to. And he didn't want to. ... Did he ever feel bad about it? Did he ever regret killing off so many people? Did he ever doubt, every now and then, whether his cause was just? No. I don't think he did.
And that's the question that intrigues me. How does someone human become unhuman? There was a process there. But somewhere, amidst the pages, I've missed that process. He was developing into a loser. And then, suddenly, he was a loser. I missed the pact with Satan. I missed the "Okay, I'm going to make it my life goal to kill off all the Jews." Just, suddenly, he was there. ... Maybe I wasn't paying enough attention. ... I mean, okay, his hatred for Jews was never good, and it was always there. But then it was LARGER THAN LIFE. And that's the transition I missed.
While I was talking with Rob, trying to "figure it out", suddenly Rob just kind of lost it. This never happens. I don't know a single person that Rob hates, but I think Hitler might be the closest. Rob lived in Germany for 2 years. He met people who were duped by Hitler. People who were crushed by the entire thing. And his dislike for Hitler seems almost personal. I was silenced by Rob's outburst, and almost moved to tears. I told him I was sorry. I didn't quite mean sorry for asking the questions and trying to figure it out. I was sorry I'd picked up the book in the first place. Sorry that I'd brought out these feelings in Rob. And I knew, right then, that I wouldn't read another word.
And this conclusion very quickly came to me: Whatever it was that made Hitler the awful man he was... I know enough to know that I don't need to know any more.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
This is a sentence/idea that has been running through my mind for the last few days. I can't quite get it to work how I want it to, which is why I haven't posted it yet. But since it's not any further than it was before, I thought I'd just post it anyway:
... It was the most real I've ever felt. Yet it seems like the moment wasn't good enough, wasn't real enough, to be in a movie. And for some stupid reason, that's important.
... It was the most real I've ever felt. Yet it seems like the moment wasn't good enough, wasn't real enough, to be in a movie. And for some stupid reason, that's important.
Friday, March 20, 2009
The Great Social Experiment
I think life is interesting. I think people are interesting. I think history is interesting.
(This is going to be like some long-winded thinking out loud.)
I really like the idea of Tolerance. It's one of my hold-fast-to Ideals. But it's occurred to me that it's a new Ideal. It's one we've developed that we've never tried as a people, country, or world before (not saying it hasn't existed before, just saying that it hasn't existed EN MASS before). Let's think about history for a minute. Can you think of a society that had the Ideal of Tolerance? I'm not a historian (though maybe I should be, since history fascinates me), but I can't think of one. Historically, we kill people who are different than us. We imprison them. During a war we put them in work camps. We deport them. We silence them. We distrust them. We persecute them. Throughout history, we have done anything except tolerate them. Heaven FORBID we should actually ACCEPT them. That would be the next step in the social experiment, and it would be too much of a leap for now.
But we don't really know what the consequences of Tolerance will be. Cause we've never DONE it before. We've never had Tolerance as an Ideal. With all our social experiments, there are consequences we intend. But there are unintended consequences, too. And it's hard to know what will really be brought about by our experiments.
Other "new" social experiments:
Cleanliness
Modern Medicine
Overindulgence and Debt (those go hand in hand)
Dying in a Hospital
(Cleanliness is a good one, I think. I mean, it's brought about some really good things, right? Like less babies dying. Less sickness. Less disease-spreading. But now bacteria is too resistant because we've anti-bacterialized our clothes, bodies, kids, houses, pets, lawns, cars, and anything else we can think of. We didn't think about that consequence, now did we?)
I think it's interesting that we like to forget that all of this is a social experiment. We like to think that we've planned it all out, we know how it'll all work out, and that things we do are tried and true. DESTINED to work. They're SURE to work. They're SOOO much better than the old Ideal we used to follow but which is too old-fashioned for us now, and look how far we've come anyway. We're Advanced. We're Lucky To Be Alive Right Now. We're Privileged. We're So Much Better Off.
But we really don't know. I think it's easier to forget that it's all an experiment. And we don't know how it will all turn out.
Along the same lines: Superpowers. Do you know what happens to Superpowers of the World? They fall. Always. But as Americans, do we like to think about that? No. Cause then we'd have to think about our society not being a Superpower, and we don't want to go there. Come on, guys, this is an experiment that history has tried time and again, and we KNOW the results of this one: the Superpower falls. Always. Let's pay attention, guys.
Anyways. That's my thought for now.
(This is going to be like some long-winded thinking out loud.)
I really like the idea of Tolerance. It's one of my hold-fast-to Ideals. But it's occurred to me that it's a new Ideal. It's one we've developed that we've never tried as a people, country, or world before (not saying it hasn't existed before, just saying that it hasn't existed EN MASS before). Let's think about history for a minute. Can you think of a society that had the Ideal of Tolerance? I'm not a historian (though maybe I should be, since history fascinates me), but I can't think of one. Historically, we kill people who are different than us. We imprison them. During a war we put them in work camps. We deport them. We silence them. We distrust them. We persecute them. Throughout history, we have done anything except tolerate them. Heaven FORBID we should actually ACCEPT them. That would be the next step in the social experiment, and it would be too much of a leap for now.
But we don't really know what the consequences of Tolerance will be. Cause we've never DONE it before. We've never had Tolerance as an Ideal. With all our social experiments, there are consequences we intend. But there are unintended consequences, too. And it's hard to know what will really be brought about by our experiments.
Other "new" social experiments:
Cleanliness
Modern Medicine
Overindulgence and Debt (those go hand in hand)
Dying in a Hospital
(Cleanliness is a good one, I think. I mean, it's brought about some really good things, right? Like less babies dying. Less sickness. Less disease-spreading. But now bacteria is too resistant because we've anti-bacterialized our clothes, bodies, kids, houses, pets, lawns, cars, and anything else we can think of. We didn't think about that consequence, now did we?)
I think it's interesting that we like to forget that all of this is a social experiment. We like to think that we've planned it all out, we know how it'll all work out, and that things we do are tried and true. DESTINED to work. They're SURE to work. They're SOOO much better than the old Ideal we used to follow but which is too old-fashioned for us now, and look how far we've come anyway. We're Advanced. We're Lucky To Be Alive Right Now. We're Privileged. We're So Much Better Off.
But we really don't know. I think it's easier to forget that it's all an experiment. And we don't know how it will all turn out.
Along the same lines: Superpowers. Do you know what happens to Superpowers of the World? They fall. Always. But as Americans, do we like to think about that? No. Cause then we'd have to think about our society not being a Superpower, and we don't want to go there. Come on, guys, this is an experiment that history has tried time and again, and we KNOW the results of this one: the Superpower falls. Always. Let's pay attention, guys.
Anyways. That's my thought for now.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Day 1
I'm running an experiment. Today will be Day 1. Really, it's day 3 or 4, but since I wasn't documenting it before, it'll be Day 1.
Sometimes I get frustrated with Rob and myself and life. I'm a stay-at-home mom, and that's awesome. But it means that almost single-handedly I do the chores. Especially since Rob is involved with the Bishopric, so he's gone even more hours. And I hate chores.
Last year I had a revelation. I realized that I was doing chores so that when Rob came home he could spend the time with me and the kids instead of spending time with my dishes. And suddenly, my world became a lot brighter. And for the first time, I started leading my home. I came up with a better way to do the laundry. I started doing things more cheerfully and with more purpose. I started saying the phrase "my house."
But, still, every now and again, it really bugs me that if I don't clean my room, Rob won't either. He'll do the dishes eventually. But he won't ever really clean the living room (or any other room), do the laundry, mop the floor, or clean the toilet without me asking. Part of this is because I have higher cleanliness standards than he does, so by the time he'd be bugged by a room being dirty, I'd be losing my mind! And I get that, I do. But, still.
Occasionally I'll think to myself, "Fine. I'm not going to do the laundry and let's just see how long it takes you to notice." ... The end result of such experiments has been that not only does he not really care that the laundry isn't getting done, he hardly even notices, and eventually I do it anyway and by then I've got a huge backlog of laundry to do. SO not worth it.
I've thought that I could do everyone's laundry but his and see how he likes that. But that's spiteful and mean, and I'm not like that. I might TALK as if I'm like that, but I'm not really.
So, yesterday this one dawned on me: an experiment that's non-spiteful and completely non-consequential. There's a picture in our bedroom. It's a set of pictures in fact. Rob's senior pictures. And one picture keeps falling down. So my experiment:
1. See how long it takes Rob to notice.
2. Note what his reaction is. Does he mention it to me? Does he fix it himself?
I'm ready to let this experiment run as LONG AS IT TAKES. It might be a full year. Seriously. It wouldn't shock me.
(You might be thinking that this experiment is a little harsh for a man that doesn't notice when I do laundry. But if you can come up with a better experiment, pray tell me about it! I'm open to ideas.)
Adolf Hitler
When I was in 7th or 8th grade I had to do a report on 3 heroes of my choice, and for one of those heroes I chose Hitler on the premise that he was SOMEONE's hero. Not my personal hero, but someone's hero. In fact, he was all of Germany's hero for a time. ... My classmates still thought I was strange.
(For me personally, I see this as yet another example of a school project that I tried to tweak to make it more interesting. I mean, it's predictable to write about your own hero, and sometimes even trite and boring ("My hero is my dad who is the greatest guy in the world...blah, blah, blah, and gag on a spoon."), but to write about someone else's hero? Especially if that someone else's hero is a controversial historical figure? That's unpredictable, interesting, and narrowly edging the line between acceptable and inflammatory. Right down my alley, I'd say.)
But strange or not, the truth is still that I have always been fascinated by Hitler. The fact that he rose to power at all. The fact that he got an entire nation to go along with killing off 6 million of a certain people, just cause they were different. And wasn't Germany a democracy anyway? So how did he get to be the dictator of a democracy? It's all strange and interesting and fascinating.
I read a short book on Hitler way back in the day, probably for that project I mentioned. But it wasn't very helpful. It talked about Hitler being the head of his political party, but if you translate that into 1990's American terms, that's not very helpful. Our political leaders aren't unquestioned dictators. (And we'll stay out of American politics for now, since it's not really what I'm talking about.)
Last month I finally decided to get serious about my Hitler studies by tackling a tome by John Toland called (of all things) Adolf Hitler. It starts with Hitler's father, follows Hitler through childhood, and of course right up to the end of his life. Since that's what biographies do. I haven't finished it yet, but I'm to the point where I have something of an understanding of how he came to power, and I wanted to write about it. So if you care to know a brief description of Hitler's early days, as interpreted by Toland and re-interpreted by me, then read on.
Hitler's dad was kind of a putz and died when Hiter was young. Hitler's mother was adorable, and he adored her. She was just about his only family supporter, but she died in Hitler's late teens. Everyone else in the family wasn't a Hitler fan. Partly this is because he wanted to be an artist, and the family thought he should get a "decent" job.
Hitler as a child was much like he was as an adult: a natural leader, a good speaker, very persuasive. Demanded unquestioning loyalty from his friends and, according to one of his best friends, could only handle acceptance. He was angry, passionate, and prone to verbal outbursts.
Spent his late teens and early twenties doing nothing at all with his life. From 17 (when he went to Vienna all on his own) to 24 years of age, he spent time being a bohemian starving artist. Some of that time he spent homeless, and a good chunk of that time he spent getting into violent political debates with his friends. He couldn't make it as an artist (he was denied entrance into Vienna's art academy two or three times) and people who knew art told him that he wasn't meant to be a painter but an architect. His art was very good architecturally, but he had no knack for proportions of the human body. He finally went to Germany to "train as an architect" and promptly didn't apply to any architectural school.
Then WWI started and Hitler was thrilled! Germany was going to be great! He signed up for the army and spent all 4 years of the war fighting on the front lines. Apparently he was uber-brave and did all sorts of very dangerous missions during which his life was spared time and again by what we'd call divine intervention (hearing a voice tell him to move or just getting a feeling that he should or shouldn't do something).
And here's where it gets really interesting politically. At the very end of the war, and right after it, German was in revolution! (The American president at the time refused to talk peace with the emperor of Germany, demanding to deal with a democratic leader. Sounds familiar, eh? Apparently we just reincarnate the same American president over and over. Oh, but we're not getting into American politics in this piece.) I think power changed hands about 6 times in the first year. Lots of assassinations. Lots of unrest.
One of my favorite assassinations was the first Revolution Leader. A guy named Kurt Eisner. Apparently a decent guy, but people were distrustful of a revolutionary (which is funny, if you think about it). Eisner realized he'd never have a chance and wrote out his resignation. He was on his way to deliver that resignation when he was killed by Count Arco-Valley. Arco-Valley was unhappy with Eisner's anti-Semitic political group, because they'd denied him entrance since his mother was a Jew. According to Toland, the government would have been handed over to a middle-of-the-road politcal party, but the assassination once again put people in a frenzy (apparently not hard to do in Germany in 1919) and revolution started all over again. How's that for irony, eh?
It's hard for us to imagine, but nearly EVERY political party was anti-Semitic. The Jews were apparently responsible for unsuccessful revolutions all over Europe, Communism as well as capitalism; the Jews were plotting to take over the world, and were responsible for losing the war. That's a lot to take the blame for. And people were all too happy to blame them. One thing I didn't realize before I read this book was that a lot of Hitler's nasty anti-Semitic rhetoric wasn't invented by him. It had been around for a long time. For instance, how about this guy: Walter Mehring. A poet from Berlin. Wrote this poem, pre-Hitler in power:
C'mon, boys, let's all go
Off to the pogrom with a ho-ho-ho.
Pull in your bellies and throw out the Jews.
With swastika and poison gas
Let's have a go at murder in the mass.
Hitler didn't have to convince people to hate Jews. A lot of people ALREADY hated Jews.
Okay, so we've established that before the war Hitler was useless and a nobody. But he had decided his true calling was politics, and after the war he started giving public speeches. People LOVED his speeches. He was sincere, not too polished, emotional, and moving. Hitler found a fledgling political party and decided to become a member. It was a low-key extremist group that enjoyed being a low-key extremist group. Hitler joined it and in only a year, he'd changed their objectives (he came up with a 25-point program for the group), and increased membership from 7 to nearly 3,000. He became the non-official leader of the group through crowd appeal, sheer force of will, and popularity.
About a year in, the original founders weren't happy with how Hitler had changed things. They thought Hitler was getting too much power for the good of the group. So while he was away from Berlin for a time, they formed an alliance with a political group from another city. Hitler recognized this as an attempt to undermine his power, and he issued an ultimatum to the group: he wouldn't return to the group unless they made him the chairman and gave him dictatorial powers. Said Hitler: "I make these demands not because I am power hungry..." RIIIGHT. The party caved, gave him what he wanted, and Hitler was in absolute power of his group. He created his Storm Detachment army group (Storm Troopers!!). Set up assaults of Jews in the street. Public brawls, that sort of thing.
That's as far as I've read, but it answers a lot already. I wondered what sort of environment would bring a Hitler to power. Now I know. Germany was in a state of unrest, prone to violence and hate. Many Germans were looking for a "German Messiah": someone to come and unite Germany and "save" it (though it's unclear what exactly Germany needed saved FROM. More and more, I think they were looking for someone to return their country to its old Glory, though, again, it's unclear what this really meant). No political party was stable. The country wasn't stable.
Isn't this fascinating?!
I have just summed up 115 pages of Adolf Hitler for you. You're welcome.
(For me personally, I see this as yet another example of a school project that I tried to tweak to make it more interesting. I mean, it's predictable to write about your own hero, and sometimes even trite and boring ("My hero is my dad who is the greatest guy in the world...blah, blah, blah, and gag on a spoon."), but to write about someone else's hero? Especially if that someone else's hero is a controversial historical figure? That's unpredictable, interesting, and narrowly edging the line between acceptable and inflammatory. Right down my alley, I'd say.)
But strange or not, the truth is still that I have always been fascinated by Hitler. The fact that he rose to power at all. The fact that he got an entire nation to go along with killing off 6 million of a certain people, just cause they were different. And wasn't Germany a democracy anyway? So how did he get to be the dictator of a democracy? It's all strange and interesting and fascinating.
I read a short book on Hitler way back in the day, probably for that project I mentioned. But it wasn't very helpful. It talked about Hitler being the head of his political party, but if you translate that into 1990's American terms, that's not very helpful. Our political leaders aren't unquestioned dictators. (And we'll stay out of American politics for now, since it's not really what I'm talking about.)
Last month I finally decided to get serious about my Hitler studies by tackling a tome by John Toland called (of all things) Adolf Hitler. It starts with Hitler's father, follows Hitler through childhood, and of course right up to the end of his life. Since that's what biographies do. I haven't finished it yet, but I'm to the point where I have something of an understanding of how he came to power, and I wanted to write about it. So if you care to know a brief description of Hitler's early days, as interpreted by Toland and re-interpreted by me, then read on.
Hitler's dad was kind of a putz and died when Hiter was young. Hitler's mother was adorable, and he adored her. She was just about his only family supporter, but she died in Hitler's late teens. Everyone else in the family wasn't a Hitler fan. Partly this is because he wanted to be an artist, and the family thought he should get a "decent" job.
Hitler as a child was much like he was as an adult: a natural leader, a good speaker, very persuasive. Demanded unquestioning loyalty from his friends and, according to one of his best friends, could only handle acceptance. He was angry, passionate, and prone to verbal outbursts.
Spent his late teens and early twenties doing nothing at all with his life. From 17 (when he went to Vienna all on his own) to 24 years of age, he spent time being a bohemian starving artist. Some of that time he spent homeless, and a good chunk of that time he spent getting into violent political debates with his friends. He couldn't make it as an artist (he was denied entrance into Vienna's art academy two or three times) and people who knew art told him that he wasn't meant to be a painter but an architect. His art was very good architecturally, but he had no knack for proportions of the human body. He finally went to Germany to "train as an architect" and promptly didn't apply to any architectural school.
Then WWI started and Hitler was thrilled! Germany was going to be great! He signed up for the army and spent all 4 years of the war fighting on the front lines. Apparently he was uber-brave and did all sorts of very dangerous missions during which his life was spared time and again by what we'd call divine intervention (hearing a voice tell him to move or just getting a feeling that he should or shouldn't do something).
And here's where it gets really interesting politically. At the very end of the war, and right after it, German was in revolution! (The American president at the time refused to talk peace with the emperor of Germany, demanding to deal with a democratic leader. Sounds familiar, eh? Apparently we just reincarnate the same American president over and over. Oh, but we're not getting into American politics in this piece.) I think power changed hands about 6 times in the first year. Lots of assassinations. Lots of unrest.
One of my favorite assassinations was the first Revolution Leader. A guy named Kurt Eisner. Apparently a decent guy, but people were distrustful of a revolutionary (which is funny, if you think about it). Eisner realized he'd never have a chance and wrote out his resignation. He was on his way to deliver that resignation when he was killed by Count Arco-Valley. Arco-Valley was unhappy with Eisner's anti-Semitic political group, because they'd denied him entrance since his mother was a Jew. According to Toland, the government would have been handed over to a middle-of-the-road politcal party, but the assassination once again put people in a frenzy (apparently not hard to do in Germany in 1919) and revolution started all over again. How's that for irony, eh?
It's hard for us to imagine, but nearly EVERY political party was anti-Semitic. The Jews were apparently responsible for unsuccessful revolutions all over Europe, Communism as well as capitalism; the Jews were plotting to take over the world, and were responsible for losing the war. That's a lot to take the blame for. And people were all too happy to blame them. One thing I didn't realize before I read this book was that a lot of Hitler's nasty anti-Semitic rhetoric wasn't invented by him. It had been around for a long time. For instance, how about this guy: Walter Mehring. A poet from Berlin. Wrote this poem, pre-Hitler in power:
C'mon, boys, let's all go
Off to the pogrom with a ho-ho-ho.
Pull in your bellies and throw out the Jews.
With swastika and poison gas
Let's have a go at murder in the mass.
Hitler didn't have to convince people to hate Jews. A lot of people ALREADY hated Jews.
Okay, so we've established that before the war Hitler was useless and a nobody. But he had decided his true calling was politics, and after the war he started giving public speeches. People LOVED his speeches. He was sincere, not too polished, emotional, and moving. Hitler found a fledgling political party and decided to become a member. It was a low-key extremist group that enjoyed being a low-key extremist group. Hitler joined it and in only a year, he'd changed their objectives (he came up with a 25-point program for the group), and increased membership from 7 to nearly 3,000. He became the non-official leader of the group through crowd appeal, sheer force of will, and popularity.
About a year in, the original founders weren't happy with how Hitler had changed things. They thought Hitler was getting too much power for the good of the group. So while he was away from Berlin for a time, they formed an alliance with a political group from another city. Hitler recognized this as an attempt to undermine his power, and he issued an ultimatum to the group: he wouldn't return to the group unless they made him the chairman and gave him dictatorial powers. Said Hitler: "I make these demands not because I am power hungry..." RIIIGHT. The party caved, gave him what he wanted, and Hitler was in absolute power of his group. He created his Storm Detachment army group (Storm Troopers!!). Set up assaults of Jews in the street. Public brawls, that sort of thing.
That's as far as I've read, but it answers a lot already. I wondered what sort of environment would bring a Hitler to power. Now I know. Germany was in a state of unrest, prone to violence and hate. Many Germans were looking for a "German Messiah": someone to come and unite Germany and "save" it (though it's unclear what exactly Germany needed saved FROM. More and more, I think they were looking for someone to return their country to its old Glory, though, again, it's unclear what this really meant). No political party was stable. The country wasn't stable.
Isn't this fascinating?!
I have just summed up 115 pages of Adolf Hitler for you. You're welcome.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Stolen Quote #2
Last night Rob was being goofy and came up with this line:
"Some days I feel as though I am about to be crushed by the wagon wheel of life."
...
ALMOST deep, but not.
- Stolen from Rob
"Some days I feel as though I am about to be crushed by the wagon wheel of life."
...
ALMOST deep, but not.
- Stolen from Rob
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Church Today - December 7, 2008
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a hunched old man walking slowly down the aisle, in that deliberate shuffling gait of the elderly. I turned, smiling, to watch this cute old man arrive at his pew, expecting to be filled with the feeling I always get when I watch the elderly living their lives--smiling, happy, persisting, doing good things. It's a feeling of respect and love and awe and some sadness, with a feeling of fate--I will soon be past my prime and I'll be wondering where the time went.
Instead, though, when I turned, the old man morphed into a young man in the peak of life. His hunch and slow gait were still there, but he was bent not from age, but so his one-year-old daughter could grasp his hand as he helped her walk down the aisle. Momentarily they arrived at the pew where the young mother was waiting. She turned and saw her daughter and her face lit up with joy, with a smile that only a mother has for her child. I saw her speak softly to her daughter, "Come here, my baby." The little girl smiled with her whole body and arrived happily in her mother's arms.
... Sometimes I forget, with my three children who are often screaming and running around like animals as we enter church and I'm frazzled from a stressful morning of getting the children ready for church by myself--AGAIN. ... I forget that this is how it all started. I can remember back then feeling pure bliss: me, my beautiful baby girl, and my doting and adoring husband.
There is still bliss. Sometimes I just have to dig through the stress and frustration to find it. And then I remember that this is what it's all about.
Instead, though, when I turned, the old man morphed into a young man in the peak of life. His hunch and slow gait were still there, but he was bent not from age, but so his one-year-old daughter could grasp his hand as he helped her walk down the aisle. Momentarily they arrived at the pew where the young mother was waiting. She turned and saw her daughter and her face lit up with joy, with a smile that only a mother has for her child. I saw her speak softly to her daughter, "Come here, my baby." The little girl smiled with her whole body and arrived happily in her mother's arms.
... Sometimes I forget, with my three children who are often screaming and running around like animals as we enter church and I'm frazzled from a stressful morning of getting the children ready for church by myself--AGAIN. ... I forget that this is how it all started. I can remember back then feeling pure bliss: me, my beautiful baby girl, and my doting and adoring husband.
There is still bliss. Sometimes I just have to dig through the stress and frustration to find it. And then I remember that this is what it's all about.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Stolen Quote #1
I was walking on a nature trail with a friend and our combined 5 children. Her daughter at one point came up to the stroller and held onto it. And my friend said this:
"Sweetie, holding on to the stroller isn't a good idea. Do you remember when you held on to the stroller and you got too close and the stroller tripped you? Do you remember that time? It was yesterday."
Cracked me up. And I had to steal it.
- Stolen from RB
"Sweetie, holding on to the stroller isn't a good idea. Do you remember when you held on to the stroller and you got too close and the stroller tripped you? Do you remember that time? It was yesterday."
Cracked me up. And I had to steal it.
- Stolen from RB
 |
| RB, July 2008 |
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Wishing I Were a Man
For various reasons I often wish, and not in jest, that I were a man.
expanded:
For various reasons that I will not expound upon, I often wish, and not in jest, that I were a man.
expanded:
For various reasons, many all-too-obvious and hence not worth mentioning by name, I often wish, and not in jest, that I were a man.
I think I might like the original the best.
I also came up with:
Dang! I wish I was a man!
But that's a little too strong for what I'm trying to say, I think.
or
I have often wondered by what wisdom God decided to make me female.
or
Oh! The advantages of being born male! Or so I imagine.
expanded:
For various reasons that I will not expound upon, I often wish, and not in jest, that I were a man.
expanded:
For various reasons, many all-too-obvious and hence not worth mentioning by name, I often wish, and not in jest, that I were a man.
I think I might like the original the best.
I also came up with:
Dang! I wish I was a man!
But that's a little too strong for what I'm trying to say, I think.
or
I have often wondered by what wisdom God decided to make me female.
or
Oh! The advantages of being born male! Or so I imagine.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
The First Pre-Spring Day - March 7, 2009
I stood at the front edge of my deck, looked into my neighbors' backyard and was shocked to see a swimming pool, as if they had just installed it instead of what was really true: it's been there since we moved in 4 years ago. Somehow the sight of it seemed brand-new to me. I looked down at my sandaled feet, beyond which lay three steps, the last barrier between me and the grass beyond. My husband was already in the backyard walking around and he called for me to come. I hesitated, though. I hadn't been down those steps for months, and it just didn't feel right. But that seemed silly to me, so I gathered a little bravery and in short order was standing on the lawn, too. I sighed in relief and pleasure and closed my eyes for a second: Spring.
The kids and their friends were playing on the swingset. Birds were chirping and flying about. The warmth of the sun was on my face.
I realized in a moment that I had missed being outside. I looked around my backyard at the tiny garden, almost ready to come back to life; the grass where I've spent so much time weeding for fun; the bush that I'd almost forgotten about, but that would soon be ablaze in yellow. I hadn't been in my backyard for months. I don't mind Winter: I like to look at it while sitting inside my warm house, drinking hot chocolate. But I don't like going out in it. And now, as Spring was almost upon us, Winter almost completely gone, I was rediscovering the beauty and calm of natural beauty.
I walked into the front yard with my husband. We were on a task that directed us to the garage, and strangely, the garage felt new, too. I go into the garage all the time, and the fact that it felt new to me on this First Pre-Spring Day was odd indeed. Nothing had changed. It was the same garage as always. I shook my head at the thought and went to work, but I couldn't stay on task. Soon, almost impulsively, I was playing in my garden, pulling out the dead leaves, discovering a little green growth underneath. I wish I could describe the feeling of tearing out the old dead stuff and finding new loveliness under it all. There's nothing else quite like it--it's the magic of a garden.
My 2-year-old son helped me gather the dead leaves and put them in a large trash can. He found a light-brown dried leaf and said, "It's my flower. Can I keep it?" I told him that of COURSE he could keep it. He said, "Hurray!" and cuddled the leaf next to his cheek. I couldn't help but smile.
Pulling out the winter leaves didn't take too long, and certainly not as long as I would have preferred. "I could spend all day in my garden," I thought, and suddenly it dawned on me that I often DO spend all day in my garden during the growing months. Funny how I'd forgotten that. Nothing was left but to survey the garden space and search for signs of growth. There were a few stubby weeds, but they weren't weeds right now--they were green happiness. A few bulbs had started shooting to the sun, and the rose bushes were just barely showing purple here and there. I called my husband over to see the signs of Spring that I'd found, and luckily he loves gardens as much as I do, so he was thrilled to see the growth, and hunted for more.
After that he said, "Have you looked at the lilac bushes yet?" Lilac bushes? We have lilac bushes? We put in the lilac bushes last Spring and truly they didn't do too well under our care. We put them in on the far side of our house that gets the most sun and heat, and the least amount of attention: not a good combination. I remembered back to the start of Winter: I'd wondered then if the lilacs would make it through the Winter and into another Spring. Would they be healthy enough to bloom? But the start of Winter seemed so long ago, and I had forgotten about those ancient concerns. They came flooding back to me in an instant and I realized that the garden and our plants were a favorite conversation point for my husband and me. We spent most of the growing season talking about it, planning for it, dreaming about it, and as we checked out the lilac bushes and their hint of new buds, I smiled in anticipated pleasure of conversations about to be reborn.
The shadows lengthened against the tools hanging on the garage walls as the children rode their bicycles in the driveway. I thought about this First Pre-Spring Day and the joy we were about to find again. Joys I'd forgotten that I owned. I thought about the on-set of a new season, and the pleasure it is to watch things in newness. But it's not quite Spring yet. I thought back to the start of the day, and the weatherman on TV saying that the temperatures were 20 degrees above the norm. With no assurances that tomorrow it won't hit a cold snap and dump down 6 inches of snow. That's not True Spring. It's Pre-Spring.
But I'll take Pre-Spring.
The kids and their friends were playing on the swingset. Birds were chirping and flying about. The warmth of the sun was on my face.
I realized in a moment that I had missed being outside. I looked around my backyard at the tiny garden, almost ready to come back to life; the grass where I've spent so much time weeding for fun; the bush that I'd almost forgotten about, but that would soon be ablaze in yellow. I hadn't been in my backyard for months. I don't mind Winter: I like to look at it while sitting inside my warm house, drinking hot chocolate. But I don't like going out in it. And now, as Spring was almost upon us, Winter almost completely gone, I was rediscovering the beauty and calm of natural beauty.
I walked into the front yard with my husband. We were on a task that directed us to the garage, and strangely, the garage felt new, too. I go into the garage all the time, and the fact that it felt new to me on this First Pre-Spring Day was odd indeed. Nothing had changed. It was the same garage as always. I shook my head at the thought and went to work, but I couldn't stay on task. Soon, almost impulsively, I was playing in my garden, pulling out the dead leaves, discovering a little green growth underneath. I wish I could describe the feeling of tearing out the old dead stuff and finding new loveliness under it all. There's nothing else quite like it--it's the magic of a garden.
My 2-year-old son helped me gather the dead leaves and put them in a large trash can. He found a light-brown dried leaf and said, "It's my flower. Can I keep it?" I told him that of COURSE he could keep it. He said, "Hurray!" and cuddled the leaf next to his cheek. I couldn't help but smile.
Pulling out the winter leaves didn't take too long, and certainly not as long as I would have preferred. "I could spend all day in my garden," I thought, and suddenly it dawned on me that I often DO spend all day in my garden during the growing months. Funny how I'd forgotten that. Nothing was left but to survey the garden space and search for signs of growth. There were a few stubby weeds, but they weren't weeds right now--they were green happiness. A few bulbs had started shooting to the sun, and the rose bushes were just barely showing purple here and there. I called my husband over to see the signs of Spring that I'd found, and luckily he loves gardens as much as I do, so he was thrilled to see the growth, and hunted for more.
After that he said, "Have you looked at the lilac bushes yet?" Lilac bushes? We have lilac bushes? We put in the lilac bushes last Spring and truly they didn't do too well under our care. We put them in on the far side of our house that gets the most sun and heat, and the least amount of attention: not a good combination. I remembered back to the start of Winter: I'd wondered then if the lilacs would make it through the Winter and into another Spring. Would they be healthy enough to bloom? But the start of Winter seemed so long ago, and I had forgotten about those ancient concerns. They came flooding back to me in an instant and I realized that the garden and our plants were a favorite conversation point for my husband and me. We spent most of the growing season talking about it, planning for it, dreaming about it, and as we checked out the lilac bushes and their hint of new buds, I smiled in anticipated pleasure of conversations about to be reborn.
The shadows lengthened against the tools hanging on the garage walls as the children rode their bicycles in the driveway. I thought about this First Pre-Spring Day and the joy we were about to find again. Joys I'd forgotten that I owned. I thought about the on-set of a new season, and the pleasure it is to watch things in newness. But it's not quite Spring yet. I thought back to the start of the day, and the weatherman on TV saying that the temperatures were 20 degrees above the norm. With no assurances that tomorrow it won't hit a cold snap and dump down 6 inches of snow. That's not True Spring. It's Pre-Spring.
But I'll take Pre-Spring.
Monday, March 9, 2009
God and Moses
(This has a huge Mormon slant. So if you're not Mormon and you're having trouble with the premise, sorry.)
I've been thinking about a religious idea lately. A theme repeated throughout time and different dispensations. I've been thinking about failed religious principles. For instance, Moses' Higher Law. You know, the one he brought down from Mt. Sinai before the 10 Commandments. The one the people weren't ready for. The one he smashed into pieces.
Well, I've been thinking about this idea like so. God gave Moses the Higher Law. But the Higher Law was a flop. Moses had to go back to God to get an easier law. So, WHY would God give Moses the Higher Law? I mean, God knew it was going to be a flop. He KNEW it wasn't going to fly. So WHY would He give Moses a law that wouldn't work? Was there something inherinently bad about the Higher Law? Something that caused it to fail?
Whatever the answers are, we'll put them on hold as I give you an interpretation on the God and Moses interactions, as loosely taken from Exodus 31 - 34 (or so).
God and Moses, a Short Play
Curtain opens and we see Moses, at the base of Mt. Sinai, with a large group gathered before him.
Moses: (to his people) Shortly I will ascend this mountain and again speak to The Most High, and ask Him to present us with His Grace and Mercy in establishing His Law. (pauses for his people to cheer) Farewell for a short time. Stand firm in the faith of our fathers and I will return empowered with the Truth.
(The crowd goes wild. Moses departs. After ascending the mount he meets God, who is waiting for him in a cloud.)
God: Moses, that was a fine speech.
Moses: Yes, it should have been. My speech-writer spent a good 2 days working on it, else I would have been here sooner. Hard, these days, to find a good speech-writer.
God: You know, I'd offer to write them for you, but I'm a tad busy with other Heavenly Business and Order. People can get a little squably up here, you know? Brother Chad built a mansion on land that Brother John owned. Boundary disputes, that sort of thing. Or Sister Sarah is destined to marry Brother Mark when she comes down to earth, but Sister Jennifer is in love with Mark, too, and so Sister Jennifer's made a petition to change destiny. It's amazing, really, that I still have to settle all these disputes.
Moses: You should set up a system of lower courts. That's what I would do.
God: By jove, that's a great idea!
Moses: Not that I'm trying to change the subject, Lord, but do you think you could get out of that cloud? It's hard for me to concentrate when I can't see your eyes.
God: Oh, yes, sorry. (takes off the cloud suit) I just came from the gym, and I like to wear it when I'm working out. Provides good coverage, you know. ... Well, then, should we get down to work? I've got some great ideas for The Higher Law.
Moses: Of course I'm very interested, Lord, but this won't take too long, right? I told my wife I'd be back by lunch tomorrow.
God: Oh, did you not get the memo? I sent Michael to personally deliver it. Must have been a miscommunication with my secretary. Anyways, the Higher Law might take a little while to hash out.
Moses: I thought it was just going to be 10 Commandments.
God: Yes, well, only 3 commandments, actually. That's the beauty of the Higher Law. Less of the Letter and more of the Spirit, if you follow me. The rest of the Law is Chess.
Moses: Chess? What is Chess?
God: Oh, it's a fantastic game. I didn't come up with it, ah, a chap named Smith did. Or was it Smithers? Whatever his name, he's allowed me to present the game to you for the Higher Law.
Moses: A game? It shouldn't take too long to learn a game, then.
God: This isn't a normal game. It took me 4 days to learn it, and I'm, ... well, I'm God. So I'm guessing it'll take you something like 40 days and 40 nights.
We see God taking out a chess board and pieces as the lights fade on God and Moses.
Time passes. Moses returns to camp, exhausted after learning Chess for 40 days and 40 nights. Aaron is standing in front of a golden calf, and the people are naked, singing and dancing.
Moses: (to Aaron) What is going on?
Aaron: Oh, Moses! I'm glad you're back! Look at this beautiful golden calf we've made!
Moses: (stepping closer to Aaron and lowering his voice) Aaron, what makes you think I would be happy to see a golden calf?
Aaron: Well, why wouldn't you? Isn't it nice?
Moses: (no longer keeping his voice down) Aaron, we've TALKED about this. Idolatry is not a good idea. It even says that in one of the 3 Commandments I just brought down with me.
Aaron: Oh. Riiight. I remember. We talked about that before you went up into the mount.
Moses: Yes.
Aaron: I don't remember you specifically mentioning golden calves, though. There was something about images and idols, but nothing about calves.
Moses: (in frustration, eyes to heaven) Oh, Lord. If this people are so slow to remember Thee, how can they learn to play Chess?
Moses throws the stone tablets onto the ground where they break into a million pieces. The people stop their singing and dancing to look at the pile of broken stone. Moses looks around at them.
Moses: Well, go on. Go get your clothes on.
The people quitely exit and we see Moses starting to work melting down the golden calf. Moses is mumbling chess strategies to himself as the lights fade.
Lights come up and we see Moses and God, on top of Mt. Sinai, just as before. God is not in a cloud. Moses is quickly pacing back and forth.
God: Moses, you don't look so good. What happened?
Moses: What happened?! You already KNOW what happened.
God: Yes, yes. So I do. I just thought it might help if you talked about it, that's all.
Moses: I learned Chess for 40 days and 40 nights. Then I walked down the mountain carrying those tablets. You made them out of marble, you know, and they were heavy. And I got down there and they'd made a GOLDEN CALF! (Moses sits down in dismay.)
God: Cheer up, Moses. I can give you the 10 Commandments. It won't be too hard to write those out.
Moses: I thought you said it was 3 commandments.
God: Well, it was, but that was the Higher Law. This one is 10 Commandments. And over time I'll give you mildew precautions and other such things, too. Highly useful. Quite timeless. But we'll have to skip the Chess.
Moses: But, but, I learned Chess for 40 days and 40 nights!
God: And you've become quite good at the game, too, I might add.
Moses: But, if you knew that the Higher Law wasn't going to work, why didn't you at least tell me?
God: Ah. My ways are infinitely more complicated than your ways, are they not? But you'll have to trust me, cause things all work out in the end. It all has to do with efforts being made in the background. And I have so much time I have to work with. Things have to work out over thousands and thousands and sometimes even millions and billions of years. Oh, billions isn't a word we've talked about, is it? Still, you'll just have to trust me.
Moses: (resolutely) Your ways are higher than man's ways.
God: Yes! I like how you've said that. Definitely less confusing than how I put it out there, eh? ... Well, then. Here are the 10 Commandments. (hands them to Moses) And if you ever want to play Chess again, you know where I am.
Moses: Thank you, Lord.
God: No, no, thank you, Moses. Good work.
Moses walks off stage while God stands and waves to him, saying things like, "Off you go, then." "Excellent work." etc. After Moses leaves, God stands alone for a second, heaves a sigh of relief, and walks off stage the other direction.
I've been thinking about a religious idea lately. A theme repeated throughout time and different dispensations. I've been thinking about failed religious principles. For instance, Moses' Higher Law. You know, the one he brought down from Mt. Sinai before the 10 Commandments. The one the people weren't ready for. The one he smashed into pieces.
Well, I've been thinking about this idea like so. God gave Moses the Higher Law. But the Higher Law was a flop. Moses had to go back to God to get an easier law. So, WHY would God give Moses the Higher Law? I mean, God knew it was going to be a flop. He KNEW it wasn't going to fly. So WHY would He give Moses a law that wouldn't work? Was there something inherinently bad about the Higher Law? Something that caused it to fail?
Whatever the answers are, we'll put them on hold as I give you an interpretation on the God and Moses interactions, as loosely taken from Exodus 31 - 34 (or so).
God and Moses, a Short Play
Curtain opens and we see Moses, at the base of Mt. Sinai, with a large group gathered before him.
Moses: (to his people) Shortly I will ascend this mountain and again speak to The Most High, and ask Him to present us with His Grace and Mercy in establishing His Law. (pauses for his people to cheer) Farewell for a short time. Stand firm in the faith of our fathers and I will return empowered with the Truth.
(The crowd goes wild. Moses departs. After ascending the mount he meets God, who is waiting for him in a cloud.)
God: Moses, that was a fine speech.
Moses: Yes, it should have been. My speech-writer spent a good 2 days working on it, else I would have been here sooner. Hard, these days, to find a good speech-writer.
God: You know, I'd offer to write them for you, but I'm a tad busy with other Heavenly Business and Order. People can get a little squably up here, you know? Brother Chad built a mansion on land that Brother John owned. Boundary disputes, that sort of thing. Or Sister Sarah is destined to marry Brother Mark when she comes down to earth, but Sister Jennifer is in love with Mark, too, and so Sister Jennifer's made a petition to change destiny. It's amazing, really, that I still have to settle all these disputes.
Moses: You should set up a system of lower courts. That's what I would do.
God: By jove, that's a great idea!
Moses: Not that I'm trying to change the subject, Lord, but do you think you could get out of that cloud? It's hard for me to concentrate when I can't see your eyes.
God: Oh, yes, sorry. (takes off the cloud suit) I just came from the gym, and I like to wear it when I'm working out. Provides good coverage, you know. ... Well, then, should we get down to work? I've got some great ideas for The Higher Law.
Moses: Of course I'm very interested, Lord, but this won't take too long, right? I told my wife I'd be back by lunch tomorrow.
God: Oh, did you not get the memo? I sent Michael to personally deliver it. Must have been a miscommunication with my secretary. Anyways, the Higher Law might take a little while to hash out.
Moses: I thought it was just going to be 10 Commandments.
God: Yes, well, only 3 commandments, actually. That's the beauty of the Higher Law. Less of the Letter and more of the Spirit, if you follow me. The rest of the Law is Chess.
Moses: Chess? What is Chess?
God: Oh, it's a fantastic game. I didn't come up with it, ah, a chap named Smith did. Or was it Smithers? Whatever his name, he's allowed me to present the game to you for the Higher Law.
Moses: A game? It shouldn't take too long to learn a game, then.
God: This isn't a normal game. It took me 4 days to learn it, and I'm, ... well, I'm God. So I'm guessing it'll take you something like 40 days and 40 nights.
We see God taking out a chess board and pieces as the lights fade on God and Moses.
Time passes. Moses returns to camp, exhausted after learning Chess for 40 days and 40 nights. Aaron is standing in front of a golden calf, and the people are naked, singing and dancing.
Moses: (to Aaron) What is going on?
Aaron: Oh, Moses! I'm glad you're back! Look at this beautiful golden calf we've made!
Moses: (stepping closer to Aaron and lowering his voice) Aaron, what makes you think I would be happy to see a golden calf?
Aaron: Well, why wouldn't you? Isn't it nice?
Moses: (no longer keeping his voice down) Aaron, we've TALKED about this. Idolatry is not a good idea. It even says that in one of the 3 Commandments I just brought down with me.
Aaron: Oh. Riiight. I remember. We talked about that before you went up into the mount.
Moses: Yes.
Aaron: I don't remember you specifically mentioning golden calves, though. There was something about images and idols, but nothing about calves.
Moses: (in frustration, eyes to heaven) Oh, Lord. If this people are so slow to remember Thee, how can they learn to play Chess?
Moses throws the stone tablets onto the ground where they break into a million pieces. The people stop their singing and dancing to look at the pile of broken stone. Moses looks around at them.
Moses: Well, go on. Go get your clothes on.
The people quitely exit and we see Moses starting to work melting down the golden calf. Moses is mumbling chess strategies to himself as the lights fade.
Lights come up and we see Moses and God, on top of Mt. Sinai, just as before. God is not in a cloud. Moses is quickly pacing back and forth.
God: Moses, you don't look so good. What happened?
Moses: What happened?! You already KNOW what happened.
God: Yes, yes. So I do. I just thought it might help if you talked about it, that's all.
Moses: I learned Chess for 40 days and 40 nights. Then I walked down the mountain carrying those tablets. You made them out of marble, you know, and they were heavy. And I got down there and they'd made a GOLDEN CALF! (Moses sits down in dismay.)
God: Cheer up, Moses. I can give you the 10 Commandments. It won't be too hard to write those out.
Moses: I thought you said it was 3 commandments.
God: Well, it was, but that was the Higher Law. This one is 10 Commandments. And over time I'll give you mildew precautions and other such things, too. Highly useful. Quite timeless. But we'll have to skip the Chess.
Moses: But, but, I learned Chess for 40 days and 40 nights!
God: And you've become quite good at the game, too, I might add.
Moses: But, if you knew that the Higher Law wasn't going to work, why didn't you at least tell me?
God: Ah. My ways are infinitely more complicated than your ways, are they not? But you'll have to trust me, cause things all work out in the end. It all has to do with efforts being made in the background. And I have so much time I have to work with. Things have to work out over thousands and thousands and sometimes even millions and billions of years. Oh, billions isn't a word we've talked about, is it? Still, you'll just have to trust me.
Moses: (resolutely) Your ways are higher than man's ways.
God: Yes! I like how you've said that. Definitely less confusing than how I put it out there, eh? ... Well, then. Here are the 10 Commandments. (hands them to Moses) And if you ever want to play Chess again, you know where I am.
Moses: Thank you, Lord.
God: No, no, thank you, Moses. Good work.
Moses walks off stage while God stands and waves to him, saying things like, "Off you go, then." "Excellent work." etc. After Moses leaves, God stands alone for a second, heaves a sigh of relief, and walks off stage the other direction.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
My Biases
I think every reader should know something about their author, so I'm letting you know a little about me.
1 - I'm Mormon.
2 - I'm a stay-at-home mother of 3.
3 - I'm a straight arrow, but I'm open-minded.
4 - I am naturally sarcastic and cynical, with a tendency towards romanticism.
5 - I may or may not be attempting to keep my cynicism in check.
There. That should be enough to get us going.
1 - I'm Mormon.
2 - I'm a stay-at-home mother of 3.
3 - I'm a straight arrow, but I'm open-minded.
4 - I am naturally sarcastic and cynical, with a tendency towards romanticism.
5 - I may or may not be attempting to keep my cynicism in check.
There. That should be enough to get us going.
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