I Have No Sense of Decency

Apparently I have no idea what would make someone squeamish and what wouldn't.

I didn't finish Adolf Hitler. The man is fascinating to me. The history is fascinating to me. And getting into the history of Germany that made it possible for a Hitler to rise to power ... wow. But the more I tried to get into Hitler's head, into what made Hitler tick, what the whole thing meant to him PERSONALLY, the less it really made any sense.

I sat down with Rob last night and started asking him questions about it all. Not "did you know" type stuff, but, "how do you suppose..." type stuff. Rob finds Hitler revolting. This is obvious the minute you start talking about it. He didn't quite find my reading a Hitler book pointless, but it's obvious that if he were to write a book about Hitler it would be about 2 pages and it would mostly consist of the phrase: "Hitler is Satan spawn." Rob says even thinking about the man makes him nearly physically ill. I had to insist, "But you can seperate him from the evil things he did, right?" Rob would just shake his head.

In reality? No. No, you can't sepearte Hitler from the fact that he is responsible for the death of so many. It's hard to take, really. I mean, if I were as bad as I could be in this life--if I did terrible, horrible things that were unforgivable--I STILL wouldn't be responsible for the sheer magnitude of things that Hitler has to his name. Even if I dreamed in my head such horrific things for my fellow man, I simply don't have the power to bring those things about. Imagine! Imagine what sort of special Hell is reserved for a man responsible for so much evil. It's mind-twisting.

And yet the man wasn't born evil, was he? He had some sort of conscience, surely. Not that I saw any evidence of that, from what I read. He dropped friends when they were no longer useful. He lied to serve his purposes. He deliberately aroused feelings of hate, distrust, and anger. And for what? To get power. And for why? So he could kill off 6 million Jews.

Somewhere along that path there is a HUGE disconnect for me. I get that he wanted power. I get that he hated Jews. But COME ON.

... People who gain power, who become obsessed with power. They kill other people. Masses of them. Why should this be, and does it HAVE to be? Can you seperate the two? Why can't you just seek for power and want normal things--a family, a good job, a life of ease for yourself and those you love? Because normal things seem too insignificant after a while?

I didn't start reading the book so that I could excuse Hitler of the evil things he did. But to understand a little about how this could have happened. So much evil. So much hatred. And the people were so TAKEN by this man. He had them in his palm and he brought about such horrific things. Imagine the good he could have brought about, if he'd wanted to. And he didn't want to. ... Did he ever feel bad about it? Did he ever regret killing off so many people? Did he ever doubt, every now and then, whether his cause was just? No. I don't think he did.

And that's the question that intrigues me. How does someone human become unhuman? There was a process there. But somewhere, amidst the pages, I've missed that process. He was developing into a loser. And then, suddenly, he was a loser. I missed the pact with Satan. I missed the "Okay, I'm going to make it my life goal to kill off all the Jews." Just, suddenly, he was there. ... Maybe I wasn't paying enough attention. ... I mean, okay, his hatred for Jews was never good, and it was always there. But then it was LARGER THAN LIFE. And that's the transition I missed.

While I was talking with Rob, trying to "figure it out", suddenly Rob just kind of lost it. This never happens. I don't know a single person that Rob hates, but I think Hitler might be the closest. Rob lived in Germany for 2 years. He met people who were duped by Hitler. People who were crushed by the entire thing. And his dislike for Hitler seems almost personal. I was silenced by Rob's outburst, and almost moved to tears. I told him I was sorry. I didn't quite mean sorry for asking the questions and trying to figure it out. I was sorry I'd picked up the book in the first place. Sorry that I'd brought out these feelings in Rob. And I knew, right then, that I wouldn't read another word.

And this conclusion very quickly came to me: Whatever it was that made Hitler the awful man he was... I know enough to know that I don't need to know any more.