I've run through this post a few times in my head, trying to figure out if I could make it clean enough to post. And I think I can, so here we go. (That said, this still may be on the TMI side for some / most of you. Fair warning.)
Oh, and the pictures are just a progression: From late 2000 and on through the years.
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| October 2000 - my parents' first visual of Rob |
When I married Rob, he was a gorgeous muscly trim 205 lbs. And I did not hesitate to say to anyone and everyone that I thought Rob was hot. Not just good looking, but hot. As in turns me on to look at him sitting across the room from me.
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| Our wedding day, December 21, 2000 |
Within 3 years he weighed 275. Needless to say, he was no longer a gorgeous muscly trim man. This wasn't awful, as the weight was increasing, but near the end, it was a problem for me psychologically. Why would Rob do that to himself? Why would I want to be married to a man who would do that to himself? And, as a relevant side issue, he was no longer attractive to me. Yes, I still liked his face. His eyes. And he was still a wonderful, nice, compassionate man. But he wasn't hot. It pained me to tell him that it had gone a step beyond not-hot . He was now ugly and gross to me.
That's harsh to say.
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| July 2002 |
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| December 2002 |
Shortly after that he had a rock bottom moment and has since been losing or maintaining weight. There are some months of maintaining / slowly gaining, but for the most part, it's been a positive, good experience for him and for me.
Here's the deal with his weight, and I think it's important to bring this up. Rob at 275 was not Rob. He was Overweight Rob. He was obsessed with food, talked about food constantly, made fun of his weight, was ashamed of himself, and was completely underconfident. I looked at him more than once and said, "I'm not going to give you the "You're an okay person" pep talk today! Yes, you should lose weight. If you want to do it, just do it. I love you. I'm done with this."
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| December 2003 - I made it big so you can actually see us. |
Dealing with all this crap was time-consuming and draining. So much of our marriage was spent on Rob's food addiction and subsequent weight problem. I HATED it. Rob hated it, too. I blamed him. I thought he was weak. I hated him for the problem. I thought he was selfish and robbing himself, me, and our children of a good, happy, and healthy life.
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| August 2004 |
He started losing weight and I was excited for him! Around 240 lbs. he started looking AMAZINGLY better. At 215 lbs. he again was looking that much better. And then he hit 205 lbs. and, though he had a gut that he didn't when we were first married, he was once again hot. I spent months saying things like, "I like seeing your face," "I like touching your back," "I like how you look in your jeans," and other things that I won't repeat since I'm trying to keep this on the clean side.
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| June 2005 - Rob at his lab |
Well, after he got to 205 lbs. he lost motivation and slowly started gaining weight back. I became disheartened. Rob had convinced me this was a lifestyle change, but here he was telling me the same old lies. "I'm not eating that much." That was bull, and I knew it. Deep down he knew it, too, but his psychology regarding food is messed up, so I don't know if he Knew it or not.
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| July 2006 - Tank's first day home from the hospital. |
At that point I informed Rob that if he regained his weight, I would consider it a Breech of Trust, and I didn't know if our marriage would survive it. I know that sounds terribly mean, but I wasn't going back there. I don't LIKE Overweight Rob, and neither does he. I gave him a specific weight that would be The Deal Breaker, and kept on being angry.
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| May 2007 - Miami beach |
Last year my anger got the best of me and I laid into my sweet, adorable husband. He listened politely as I tore into him with gusto. I told him he lied to me. I told him that his losing weight had been a tease. He showed me that hot, confident, amazing Rob was attainable. He gave me that Rob for a short while and then took him away again. And this Ticked Me Off. Suddenly his 220 lbs. was awful to me, and I hated him for it.
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| Christmas Eve 2008 |
There is so much anger for me about this subject. Rob has spent years trying to figure out why his food psychology is so messed up, and I've spent years shaking my head and going, "What is WRONG with you?" We're past that now, for the most part, but that's probably only because Rob's weight is down and his eating is under control-ish. If he were to stop paying attention and gain some weight back, we'd be back to angry Tamra who can barely even talk about the subject without shooting daggers out of her eyes.
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| October 16, 2009 - Miciah's 8th birthday |
Now Rob is hot again and things are good. I LOVE loving his body. He loves it, too. This element of marriage is fun and nice, and I've missed it. It's not a manipulation thing, and I'm not trying to "reward" him for good behavior, but I touch his body more, in sexy and non-sexy ways. I look at him while he's walking across a room. I just like his body more, period.
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| October 2010 |
We don't talk about that aspect of marriage much. We don't talk about that aspect of weight gain much. But it's there, and it's huge.
I guess my whole point about this is that Rob's weight struggles have been an interesting ride for the both of us. We've learned a lot about ourselves and each other, about our habits and our families, and about our marriage. Most of it has been a painful process for me, so I would love to drive the last nail into this coffin. Food addiction would never have to be talked about again! But I think it's with us for life. And I'm okay with that.
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| November 2011 |
But PLEASE give me a hot Rob.
Oh, I have so many things to say in response to this post. First, if this were a man posting about his wife who had gained weight, people would rip him from limb to limb for saying she was only hot when she was thin and was totally unattractive when she gained weight. Don't you think? Food for thought. Our society has some serious double standards. Second, I love that you are willing to post about the less-than-perfect realities of life. I get tired of the "everything is perfect in my life" trend in blogging. Third, I'm sending you an email. Fourth, weight gain sucks, and feeling terrible about how you look sucks, and losing weight is hard, and having a spouse who is not motivated sucks, and having a spouse who just keeps reminding you about your weaknesses when you're already quite aware of them sucks. I find it hard to find the balance between being loving/encouraging/supportive and putting my foot down and giving the hard love that is sometimes necessary to fix a problem. I haven't figured out that balance yet. Let me know when you do.
ReplyDeleteWe totally have a double standard, at least when people say it out loud. I know quite a few people who struggle to find their spouse attractive after some weight gains, and I think outsiders often spin it into, "You're focusing on the 5 extra pounds?" Which is a shame on so many levels. ... I dunno, I guess the point is that it's not shallow to mourn a life lost - 75 lbs. kept Rob from doing a lot of things he loved. Second point: A lot of my reactions have been hard for me to figure out. They aren't what I chose. They just are what they are. And then I have to figure out what to do with them.
ReplyDeleteThe balancing act is a hard one for me. When Rob is actively working on it, I do well at encouraging and supporting and changing our family's lifestyle to keep everyone healthier. But when he's NOT working on it, it gets hard. I go from trying to say nothing to blowing up occasionally. ... I often have to pray to see Rob in a better light. I can focus too much on his negatives, which is silly, cause he's nearly one huge positive and I adore him!
We try to keep doing this together. That's when it works best. I try to be healthier and he tries to be healthier, and we both stay motivated. When I try to shove it all onto him, it falls apart fast.