What is Unconditional Love? (The Weight Issue, Revisited)

I read this blog post and it reminded me that I have a little to say about the Weight Issue that I brought up a while back.  You're probably all sick of hearing about it, but that's the beauty of a blog:  You can just skip this post!

If Rob had only been 275 lbs. and still ROB, then there would be no Weight Issue.  But the fact is that it ruled his life and was destroying him.  I didn't decide that.  He did.  Maybe I'll have him write about it some time.  Because it's an important story.  But here's how it happened, in my words.

Rob had a rock bottom moment.  He's told me that it happened while driving in our Toyota Corolla.  He was sitting in it and he thought, "I fill up the entire side of this car."  He knew something needed to change.

It should be noted that at this point I'm not sure where I was, mentally.  For a long time as Rob was gaining weight, I didn't think there was a problem.  I certainly didn't say anything about it.  I would say things like, "You look fine," and "What are you talking about?" and "I still love you."  But as he got bigger, I started believing that Rob was going to keep gaining and gaining and he probably wouldn't change.  Rob would tell me he wanted to change, but he didn't feel it.  He needed that rock bottom moment.

The great thing about rock bottom moments is that it propels you forward.  Rob read Dr. Phil's book The Ultimate Weight Solution and realized that he needed to change his relationship with food.  And, to his credit and our happiness, he started to do it!

I needed Dr. Phil's book, too.  I read it and realized I was part of Rob's problem!  I kept food in the house that tempted him.  I was pretty lax about it all.  I was creating an environment where it was hard for him to succeed.  I would sit down with my ice cream and give him dirty looks when he wanted a bowl, too.  My rationale was, "I can handle the food.  I have healthy boundaries.  It's not my fault that you don't."

Rob succeeded and succeeded.  We both changed for the better.  And I started learning what Support is and what Support is not.

Support is:
- Participating with him.  I wasn't trying to lose weight, but I needed to be healthier, too.  I exercised (though less than he did).  I ate better.  I cooked less food.  A lot of that we're still keeping up.
- Realizing that when health is the goal instead of "a good body" or "weight loss", Rob and I are on the same plane.
- Waking up to go running with him.

Support is NOT:
- Constantly nagging him about it.
- Eating what I want because "I can handle it."
- Looking the other way.
- Telling him "I don't care how much you weigh.  I love you."

Something inside me snapped when Rob hit rock bottom and promised to change.  He promised a lifestyle change.  He saw the light.  He changed his relationship with food and with himself.  And I latched onto that moment.  "HE PROMISED TO CHANGE.  WE NEVER HAVE TO GO BACK THERE AGAIN."

...  Put yourself in my shoes.  I watched someone I love being sick and unhappy for years.  Then I got that person back, all healthy and spit shined.  Imagine what a good moment that was.

Then imagine that it was slipping away again.  I was seeing patterns re-emerging that hinted that it was all coming back.  The same old lies.  The same patterns.  The person was sort of shrugging their shoulders and heading down the same destructive path.

Does Unconditional Love demand that I say, "It's okay.  Just let it take you away again"?  NO!  It demands that I scream at them, "RUN AWAY!  RUN AWAY!  DON'T DO IT!  DON'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING?  RUN AWAY!!!"

THAT is why this Weight Issue is a Marriage Deal Breaker.  It has nothing to do with the weight and everything to do with the promises.  The trust.  The enlightened moment that we can't deny.  The damaged life that we can't go back to.

And that's my story.  No apologies offered.