I can do that

I went to school this week.  First week of the new term.  So it starts: Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights I will be gone from my family; Tuesdays and Thursdays I leave before my kids get home from school.  This hit me pretty hard on Wednesday when Miciah gave me a hug and said, "Mom, I didn't see you at all yesterday.  I missed you."

Most of my classes are not book-heavy but application-focused.  I actually have to sign that project.  I need to go observe an interpreter.  I need to be interacting in sign language.  This is SWEET and actually makes me feel much calmer about the term.  No books to read?  AWESOME!

Maybe my classmates don't read their textbooks OCD-style like I do, because most of them are feeling overwhelmed with the work load in these non-textbook classes.  Granted, by Thursday I was sending Rob texts that said, "Why am I in school again?"  But normally I feel on fire.  Or, as on fire as I get.  Like so:

You want me to video tape a project in sign language every week?  Check.

I need to observe an interpreter for 2 hours?  Did and done.

Attend a weekend workshop for class credit?  Of course.

Oh, and I have to volunteer at the school, teach a church lesson every other week, take care of 3 kids, maintain my house, mow the lawn, study for tests, talk to friends, socialize in the Deaf community, and still sleep 8 hours a night?  No problem.

I can do that.

What is Unconditional Love? (The Weight Issue, Revisited)

I read this blog post and it reminded me that I have a little to say about the Weight Issue that I brought up a while back.  You're probably all sick of hearing about it, but that's the beauty of a blog:  You can just skip this post!

If Rob had only been 275 lbs. and still ROB, then there would be no Weight Issue.  But the fact is that it ruled his life and was destroying him.  I didn't decide that.  He did.  Maybe I'll have him write about it some time.  Because it's an important story.  But here's how it happened, in my words.

Rob had a rock bottom moment.  He's told me that it happened while driving in our Toyota Corolla.  He was sitting in it and he thought, "I fill up the entire side of this car."  He knew something needed to change.

It should be noted that at this point I'm not sure where I was, mentally.  For a long time as Rob was gaining weight, I didn't think there was a problem.  I certainly didn't say anything about it.  I would say things like, "You look fine," and "What are you talking about?" and "I still love you."  But as he got bigger, I started believing that Rob was going to keep gaining and gaining and he probably wouldn't change.  Rob would tell me he wanted to change, but he didn't feel it.  He needed that rock bottom moment.

The great thing about rock bottom moments is that it propels you forward.  Rob read Dr. Phil's book The Ultimate Weight Solution and realized that he needed to change his relationship with food.  And, to his credit and our happiness, he started to do it!

I needed Dr. Phil's book, too.  I read it and realized I was part of Rob's problem!  I kept food in the house that tempted him.  I was pretty lax about it all.  I was creating an environment where it was hard for him to succeed.  I would sit down with my ice cream and give him dirty looks when he wanted a bowl, too.  My rationale was, "I can handle the food.  I have healthy boundaries.  It's not my fault that you don't."

Rob succeeded and succeeded.  We both changed for the better.  And I started learning what Support is and what Support is not.

Support is:
- Participating with him.  I wasn't trying to lose weight, but I needed to be healthier, too.  I exercised (though less than he did).  I ate better.  I cooked less food.  A lot of that we're still keeping up.
- Realizing that when health is the goal instead of "a good body" or "weight loss", Rob and I are on the same plane.
- Waking up to go running with him.

Support is NOT:
- Constantly nagging him about it.
- Eating what I want because "I can handle it."
- Looking the other way.
- Telling him "I don't care how much you weigh.  I love you."

Something inside me snapped when Rob hit rock bottom and promised to change.  He promised a lifestyle change.  He saw the light.  He changed his relationship with food and with himself.  And I latched onto that moment.  "HE PROMISED TO CHANGE.  WE NEVER HAVE TO GO BACK THERE AGAIN."

...  Put yourself in my shoes.  I watched someone I love being sick and unhappy for years.  Then I got that person back, all healthy and spit shined.  Imagine what a good moment that was.

Then imagine that it was slipping away again.  I was seeing patterns re-emerging that hinted that it was all coming back.  The same old lies.  The same patterns.  The person was sort of shrugging their shoulders and heading down the same destructive path.

Does Unconditional Love demand that I say, "It's okay.  Just let it take you away again"?  NO!  It demands that I scream at them, "RUN AWAY!  RUN AWAY!  DON'T DO IT!  DON'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING?  RUN AWAY!!!"

THAT is why this Weight Issue is a Marriage Deal Breaker.  It has nothing to do with the weight and everything to do with the promises.  The trust.  The enlightened moment that we can't deny.  The damaged life that we can't go back to.

And that's my story.  No apologies offered.

Stolen Quote #39

This quote isn't new to you.  I just really like it.

"Fear is the path to the dark side.  Fear leads to anger.  Anger leads to hate.  Hate leads to suffering."

-stolen from Yoda in Star Wars: Episode 1

... I sense much fear in you. ...

Marriage is a Contract

Rob is a WAY better person than I am.  We'll just start there.  :)  Today it was brought up by a friend that my love for Rob seems conditional.  And she's not the first person to call me on that.  I've told Rob that I would leave him if his weight was out of control, for instance.  But the way I see it, that doesn't make my love conditional.  ...  This got me thinking about an e-mail I wrote months ago to a different friend about the same subject seen in a slightly different light.  I thought I'd post it here.

It revolves around the idea that to me marriage is a contract.  ...  (And to my friend who brought this up, I love that you challenge me!  Honestly.  It's always thought-provoking and makes me think about who I am and what I'm all about.  We just never have quite enough time to talk all about it - I'd love to go through things and through things and through things with you.  It makes me a better person.  Plus, we rarely agree, and I LOVE that!)

I've been giving some thought to what we talked about, in terms of whether or not my love for Rob is unconditional.  Trying to figure out what it means to me, and then how to adequately explain it.

Do I love Rob unconditionally?  Yes.  But I'm not married to him unconditionally.

Marriage is a contract.  I don't mean like a paper contract.  It's an emotional contract, an unwritten contract.  The paper doesn't matter, it's just a formality.

The contract means lots of important things, but mostly, to me, the important ones are these two:  

1 - I believe that Rob and I are best served (or at least well enough served) by being married to each other.  

2 - I will do everything that I can to stay in love with the man I married.

The second part is the unconditional part.  I look past his faults, or better put, I try to figure out how to work with his faults.  I'm forgiving and loving.  I realize that he'll never be perfect, and I won't either.  I try to figure out how to work with my OWN faults in a way that keeps us together instead of driving us apart.  I wake up and CHOOSE to be married to him every single day.  This part also obligates me to say when I'm unhappy.  To tell him when I feel like things aren't going smoothly.  This allows us to work on it, and makes it easier for me to love him tomorrow.  It's easier to work on small problems instead of big ones.

The first part is the conditional agreement.  I agreed to marry Rob, I wrote that contract, because I thought we would make each other happy.  We would be good to each other.  But that could someday, any day, not be true.  It would be a breach of contract if he were to physically abuse me, for instance.  Or in any OTHER way abuse me.  But abuse isn't the only time when the contract could be breached.  If he were causing me daily pain on a long-term basis, or if I was doing the same to him, then neither of us would be obligated to stay.  If I were able to look at my relationship with Rob and clearly see that we would be happier and better off apart, then I would leave him.  

There could be mitigating factors.  How long has it been going on?  What was the attitude at the time - one of nonchalance?  (Ooh!  I just remembered something relevant about a recurring nightmare that I have.  Will share in a minute.)  And is it likely to resolve itself?  Is it something that I personally can overcome within myself?  

What about some other things:  If Rob neglected me and/or the children.  If he was a lousy, rotten father.  If I honestly felt that my children would be better off without him.  It's interesting to throw kids into it, because kids are a different sort of contract.  I agreed to love them NO MATTER WHAT.  There's no conditional aspect of parenthood.  I agreed to protect them, take care of them.  If they were best served by leaving their father, then I would not hesitate to do so, even if I still loved Rob.

And the contract that I made with Rob now includes our children.  We agreed to love, protect, and take care of them together.  I would hope that if I was a lousy mother, he would take the kids and leave me, even if he loved me.  ...  The time when I felt like he was going to make a decision that would potentially endanger our children, I was VERY upset by it.  After it was all over, I told him that if he hadn't backed down, then I would have left him, at least temporarily.  Not as a power play, mind you.  But because that part of the marriage contract had been breached.

Rob, I am POSITIVE, does not think that the conditional part of the marriage contract exists.  But he is aware that it exists for me.  And I wonder if it's not partly a male-female difference.  I have always been afraid of abuse.  And I need a way to protect myself from it.  Feeling that I can't leave a marriage because I love Rob unconditionally, well, that's not a good thing if he's abusing me.  And it forced me, as a thoughtful woman, to come up with my Marriage Contract.  When am I obligated to stay and work it out?  When am I not?  

In the temple we learn that the contract that Eve made with Adam was conditional.  She agrees to listen to what Adam says SO FAR AS Adam listens to the Lord.  So what if Adam stops listening?  Then she doesn't have to listen, that's what (Tamra's interpretation).  The rules change when one side isn't keeping his or her end of the bargain.

...  So, the recurring nightmare that I have.  It's relevant because it spotlights how I feel about marriage, and what I can and can't work with.  I've always wondered why this particular dream has always frightened me, made me so angry, and now I think I understand.  Okay, so the dream, in its many variations involves Rob doing something really, really stupid.  He's slept with another woman.  He has a kid he never told me about.  He makes some other BIG mistake.  And in the dream I usually start with, "Okay, I can work with this.  I can try to see if we can work this out."  And then the part that kills it is when Rob says, "I don't see what the big deal is."  

That nonchalance is a deal breaker.  It means he broke our marriage contract, and he doesn't care.  What Rob and I went through years back*, it was only recoverable, to me, because he cared.  He wanted to change and make things better.  What if he'd said, "Tamra, you should get over it.  It wasn't a big deal."  Well, I would have thought really hard about buying 4 plane tickets to my parents' house, with no return date.  The contract we've made, it's a BIG DEAL.  If he doesn't feel that way, too, then I wouldn't stick around.  

Alright.  Hopefully that made sense and wasn't one jumbly mess.  And even if you don't agree with it (I wasn't trying to convince you that I'm right or anything), then at least hopefully you'll see where I'm coming from.  I absolutely love Rob unconditionally.  But thankfully the Lord made marriage a conditional situation because he loves his children (he has a contract with us, too, does he not?).

* No, I will not tell you about this incident.  Don't ask.

(There may be a Part 2 post coming. ...)

Stolen Paragraph #38

From David McCullough's book, 1776:

"Once, during the Siege of Boston, when almost nothing was going right and General Schuyler had written from Albany to bemoan his troubles, Washington had replied that he understood but that "we must bear up against them, and make the best of mankind as they are, since we cannot have them as we wish."  It was such resolve and an acceptance of mankind and circumstances as they were, not as he wished them to be, that continued to carry Washington through.  "I will not however despair," he now wrote to Governor William Livingston."


Washington was a great man, worthy of the hero worship we still give him.  The Revolutionary War was a shambles, and I'm not sure how we won it, but Washington was an amazing leader and a generous, humble man.  I have a feeling that if I would have met him in person, I'd have been just as awed by him as everyone else was.  Few people are made of such hardy stuff.

God Sees Us Naked

I went for a temple recommend interview wearing my typical outfit:  jeans and a sweatshirt.  Not just any sweatshirt, my beloved Yellowstone sweatshirt.  Best sweatshirt of all time.  And could you believe that the stake presidency member yelled at me for not dressing appropriately?!

Okay, fine, he gently reminded me that perhaps I should think a little harder about what I would wear if I were going to go meet with my Heavenly Father.  He was super, super nice about it.

But here's my angle.  You guys already know that I hate clothes.  Clothes serve a function: they keep us warm or comfortable and generally make it so we don't have to walk around showing our stuff to everyone.  But mostly, clothes are a reflection of culture.  What is appropriate is different to each culture.  This is part of what I hate so much about clothes:  I hate the "this is appropriate and this is not" stuff.  WHY can't my husband wear a blue shirt to church?  WHY can't I wear jeans to church?  WHY am I a slacker if I wear pajamas all day?  WHY is mostly-naked wrong (think native clothing)?  There's no real reason for these things.

What I wear influences how people see me.  I know that.  It's a game we all play, and it's a game I do my best to mock at every turn.  Church seems to me an appropriate place to point out The Game:  We humans are fooled by clothes, but God is not.  God sees right through it all - shouldn't we try to do the same?  See people for who they are, and not be influenced by what they're wearing?  That's the ideal, isn't it?

Do I wish to be disrespectful?  No.  Especially not to The Most Powerful Being in the Universe.  But when it comes down to it, I think that God sees past all the outer stuff, straight to the inner Me.  He sees me naked.

After the interview I told the stake presidency member, "By the way, I would totally wear this to church."  I have worn jeans.  Many times.  And I just recently upgraded from sweatshirts, though I occasionally go back to them for church attire.  He said, "Yes, but would you wear it to meet your Heavenly Father?"

I just barely stopped myself from saying, "I would go naked."  Instead I said, "Yes, I would.  I think He cares a lot less about it than we do."

Second part, though:  I wear garments.  They're a symbol of the commitments I've made to Him, to myself, to my husband and to the world.  Garments are the one item of clothing that I wear that I take seriously.  They have meaning, they have purpose.  They are sacred to me. They aren't part of The Game.

So I quickly added, "But you better believe I'd be wearing my garments!"

Which, honestly, is very much like being naked (mine are pretty much see-through).  And I probably wouldn't need my garments, because God knows what's written on my heart, without the aid of garments.  I would wear them more for my benefit than for His - I take my covenants seriously, and I need to know that for MY sake.

What do you guys think?  What would you wear if you were going to meet with God?

Today I would like to have something magnificent to say.  But I don't. 

So here's to all those great people out there who have only normal things to say.  Huzzah!